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Post by zailitz on Sept 22, 2006 14:58:35 GMT -5
Well Firstly Id like to say I feel that life is pointless now and cant live it as its pointless, Also I have no self esteem,Confidence and such things....I also feel indiffrent to people like Im not a human and such as ive never had psyichal contact with anyone before and Ive never had a girlfriend for this reason I hate being Touched full stop no matter if its just a slight touch....
Well I also feel people who I get close too tend to go I will not say who but Alot alot of people....heres just one example of one of the people ive lost well I started seeing my dad again after hardly knowing him he came bk into my life at around 8 and I was happy for 2 years or so as ive always wanted a Dad then one time when he didnt show up I called and said were are you Dad and he said im to busy today to come and get you and then I didnt hear from him since, Ive kinda had simalair experiences to this.....Well now ive learned to get on without people....
Well Also I hate going outside only if I need to go the shops etc as ive been a loner most of my life kinda and Hate going in social group situations and working as a team and basically talking to people I dont know, thats why im online alot I guess its easier to talk...
Well I also have other things im depressed about I feel Horrible and Fat alot and Ugly well I also get very Angry way to easy....
Well I have alot of other stuff I could go on about but I wont im trying to see someone now like a psychiatrist but just wanted your guys opinion what I could do Or something I unno cause im starting to feel Really angerd and Cold towards People.....
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Post by Olivia on Sept 23, 2006 10:17:14 GMT -5
Hi Zailitz I think seeing a psychiatrist is a great idea. It shows you want help, want to get better and you need that to overcome this. I see alot of my past self in your post. I spent many of my younger years locked in my room. I was a straight A student, honor roll my whole life, never had been in any trouble etc. and suddenly the depression set in and I couldn't go to school. I dropped out at 16. I know it's hard to deal with people, and that first appointment will be difficult, many of us struggle with that. You can get through it. You are not a bad person, even if you aren't able to think good things of yourself right now, try not to think bad things either. There are many things that can be done to help you. There is therapy, which I wasn't too keen on and turned out to be a pleasant surprise (I'm not much on people either, most of my contact is with my kids, adults mostly on the comp), meds, which can sound a little scary but can be of enormous help, and there are places like this. While this site is no substitute for medical help, we can help you to know that you're not alone. It's easy when you're feeling so bad to think that you are the only person out there that has ever felt like this. There are many suffering, and knowing that, and posting your feelings can often be that pressure valve that helps you get through. Please hang in there, and post as often as you like. I'm sorry it took so long to get to your post. This is a new site, and we're still getting off the ground. I'll be watching for your posts now though. Hang in there Zailitz Olivia
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Post by zailitz on Sept 23, 2006 12:45:08 GMT -5
Its ok glad someone replied, Well yes I wanna feel normal again and also this will sound weird but Im Scared to love someone its like I dont want to love someone but I do I dont understand it well ive told my parent how im feeling and I gotta book an appointment and such so hope it will be soon but it will be weird to talk bout such things like how i feel and that i dont feel love and stuff :/, well thx for reply
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Post by Olivia on Sept 23, 2006 13:56:57 GMT -5
Glad you came back Zailitz Often that "feeling"of nonfeeling, unable to love, lack of emotion completely sometimes, that numbness oftentimes walks hand in hand with depression. I personally think it sometimes comes as a fear of rejection. If you don't care about anyone, then they don't have the power to hurt you. Depression is enough pain. When we're in that state we sure don't need any more. But if we get to the point where we can't reach out then there can be real trouble. You were smart and communicated your needs before you reached that stage. When you begin treatment for this, and the depression begins to abate, (and it will, over time,) you'll begin to "feel" again as well. It will feel safer for you to care then. This takes time. It won't be gone tomorrow, but it will pass. Until it does, make sure you continue to communicate your feelings with your parent, and remember we're here for you as well. Olivia
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Post by zailitz on Sept 23, 2006 18:24:01 GMT -5
Well thanks im also really confused also, well it will sound pathetic but this is how my emotions happend well I play XBL were u play games and chat with people at the same time and well I met this girl and shes cool but I have no courage to talk much when playing i just say like yes and such well we have profiles with pictures and this girl is beautiful and made me feel a weird warm feeling and such but I found out shes got a boyfriend so i didnt bother to go any further but my point is since Ive seen her ive never felt like that for any attractive women Ive seen its really weird can you help me on this matter...
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Post by Olivia on Sept 24, 2006 20:14:20 GMT -5
Oh, this one may not be for you, but there will be someone, somewhere down the road. I'm not one for giving advice on someones romantic life, I've messed mine up pretty good. When the time is right, you'll move into that phase of your life. It's good that you're showing interest though. The depression hasn't robbed you of everything. Time hon, just give everything time. Things are going to work out for you. This terrible interlude in your life will pass and things will get better. Then you'll be free to actually live your life and not just endure it. Hope you're having a good evening Olivia
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Post by zailitz on Sept 25, 2006 8:22:20 GMT -5
Well I kinda thought of a way to make me feel less lonely but im not allowed a pet dog i have pet birds and such but they are nothing to a Dog, cause i want a loyal pet and such but I will ask but the people who we rent the house off will say no do you think they would change there mind if the doctor gave them a letter about whats happening and such ??
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Post by Olivia on Sept 25, 2006 8:58:03 GMT -5
Some landlords that don't want dogs, will take a cat. I'm not sure why. I think its the barking thing. I know I have a houseful of pets, and I don't know how you feel about rodents, (or anyone else in your house for that matter) but we had rats for a time and they're some of the most intelligent and loyal pets ever. We had one that if you would call his name he would run across the room, up your leg, and sit on your shoulder. He'd even sleep with my daughter sometimes. This was a fairly large beastie. Some landlords will let you have caged animals, (we didn't tell ours about the rats though) when they won't allow others. You might try the letter thing. It couldn't hurt I guess. You might want to ask about a cat as well. When we moved into our current place, we ended up here because noone wanted the dog and I wouldn't let her go. Nobody had any problems with the cats though. Good Luck Zailitz
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Post by 2lagit2britt on Sept 25, 2006 9:18:33 GMT -5
Zailitz,
I am sorry it has taken me so long to respond to your post. I hope this finds you well.. Although, Olivia has given you some wonderful advice!
When reading your post, I understood completely the feeling of not wanting to be close to others. For me it is not in the physical sense, but emotional. I also have social problems. I have been diagnosed with an anxiety/panic disorder, specifically social anxiety. So, know that you are not alone in feeling this way. I have many feelings of paranoia and fear of humiliation or rejection when in public. I distrust most people, always thinking they are out to get me in one way or another...
I do have a boyfriend, but cling to him so much that I push him away. I read that you were thinking of maybe starting a relationship with someone. I would advise against this, until you have resolved some of the issues within yourself. I am only saying this out of personal experience. My psychiatrist says that I have major fear of abandonment problems, which is why I will not allow myself to be close to anyone. In addition, this is why I cling to my boyfriend too much. My depression has greatly affected our relationship, and I would not recommend beginning any sort of romantic endeavor while undergoing treatment. It is enough of an emotional rollercoaster as it is...
The way you described feeling horrible, ugly, and fat are typical symptoms of depression. Depression strips away all sense of self-worth that we may have. I am currently undergoing therapy, and on medication, and I still have not overcome my self-esteem problems, and am far from it. It is hard to believe anyone else would want to spend time with you, when you view yourself in such a negative light. You just have to continue to remind yourself that there are people that love you, and that you are worth something.
I am SO glad that you have joined HF! This is a great place to talk about the way you are feeling and recieve support from people who have already been through this or are currently going through this. Please seek treatment through a doctor. You have already taken the first step, in realizing you are depressed, but now you have to move forward and do something about it. Please, take my advice, and do this sooner, rather than later. I suffered way too long before recieving treatment, and regret my decision and my pride.
Please continue to post... We are all here for you..
Britt
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Post by zailitz on Sept 25, 2006 9:38:52 GMT -5
Thx for Advice Olivia and 2Lagit, Yep I dont think ill start a relationship but I just want to be loved and such, but I really want a Dog for some reason for one he wont hurt me and will be loyal and a good friend of kinds and would be great company I think this would help alot but sadly the % of getting one is silm I have a hamster and 2 Birds already but they are not like a dog if you can understand what im saying, I just want something that will be there and stand by me cause people betray me and last time I had a dog some time ago I had to get rid of it, What happend was we moved to the house we are in now we been here bout 5 years or more and I had a dog and wasa great but then we had to get rid of it cause land lord didnt want dogs was kinda sad to get rid of him so I just wish Could have him back sometimes cause I get lonely alot...
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Post by 2lagit2britt on Sept 25, 2006 9:52:02 GMT -5
I understand about the dog. I went out and bought a dog about four years ago. I was in college and was very lonely. I needed someone to come home to. My dog has been a wonderful gift. She is always there for me, and she actually comforts me with hugs and kisses when I am sad. Pets are a lot of responsibilty though, and sometimes when I am very depressed, I admit that I neglect her needs. I pray that you can get a dog if this is what you really want. I do know that it can help, but it is only a comfort, not an answer to your depression.
How old are you Z, if you don't mind sharing??
Britt
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Post by zailitz on Sept 25, 2006 15:10:34 GMT -5
It will sound pathetic I know but im 18 Ive only just turned 18 though but still would be nice to have a dog but its out of the question more aless now people in my life dont understand what im going through my parent thinks she does but doesnt just hope the doctor gives me tablets or something cause I dont want to talk to a doctor anymore but if they say no its best to talk and you arnt seriously depressed enough to have them dos that mean I need to harm myself to get what I need??
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Post by 2lagit2britt on Sept 25, 2006 15:57:05 GMT -5
First, please don't harm yourself at any cost! Please, talk to your doctor. Explain that you think you need medications in order to help control your depression. If they don't listen, then get a second opinion from another doctor. If you search hard enough, there is someone who will listen. A dog will not resolve your problems, so don't give up if that doesn't happen. Just keep pushing forward. You have to keep trying, giving up doesn't work. My thoughts are with you.
Britt
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Post by zailitz on Sept 25, 2006 16:35:29 GMT -5
But my point of view giving up is the most preferd choice if I dont have to live I dont have to feel the way I do its simple really sorry if it offends you but its all I can think of, for starters ill always be alone like I have most of my life, no one will ever love me or be there for me as everyone leaves me all the time.
I also dont want to see a doctor I hate going them places oh ye ye your depressed why cant they just put me straight through to a person I can talk to, so troublesome In some ways I dont wanna feel loved it causes more hurt from what ive seen in my life and such.
Also I know having a dog wont help but having someone that wont leave your life if you take good care of it would be so nice for no one to ever leave me again just hope we would move house soon cause I think my parent is thinking bout it, would be good to have a change of place...well Sorry im kinda Angry today so I appologize my moods change daily and sometimes in a second its stupid thats why I Want tablets
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Post by ellie1 on Sept 25, 2006 19:12:41 GMT -5
Hi Zailitz I'm new here too. I just thought I should chime in. You are very young, and I promise you that somewhere along the way things are going to get better. It's a shame to give up all the promise tomorrow holds for a few moments of despair. I know what it feels like to feel unloved, to be abandoned. I grew up in a single parent abusive household. By the time I was 15 I was convinced that the prospect of a single tomorrow was simply unbearable. My mother was mentally ill, and I had noone to help me. I had to just endure. In the end I did. It wasn't easy. I too held the fear that noone would ever love me. That I would be alone forever, that I would have to be because that was the easiest way to live. Then noone would be there to leave me again. I met my husband at 17, and my whole world changed. To think if I had given up a few years earlier all that would have been lost. I wouldn't have my kids, or grandkids. While my life isn't always easy, it is always worth living. Yours is too Zailitz, every day is precious. There is a future for you. It may be hidden behind some very dark and frightening clouds, but when they clear, you'll be glad you held on. The dr. may give you meds, he may not, but he will help. Don't give up on therapy yet either. I'm not much on that either, but it's working wonders for me. Please take care Ellie1
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